I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
