I have demons in me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
What a dumb baby whore.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
