How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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