If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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