Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
