There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
