im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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