just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Randomize