Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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