just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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