mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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