I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
