I haven't been this sober since birth.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
