dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
