This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
