where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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