just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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