I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
