Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
