I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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