So gin and wine won't be happening again
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
