I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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