My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
