I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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