Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
