Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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