I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I smell stomach acid.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
