wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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