Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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