the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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