the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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