i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
