Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize