i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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