If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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