Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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