when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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