but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
