I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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