From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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