when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
