I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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