I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize