Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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