yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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