around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
