I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
