I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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