My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
