I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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