Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
