My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
