why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I supernannyed him into submission
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
