I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
