In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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