Ambien. No doubt about it.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
