he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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